Today’s Alpha woman is everywhere. In dress and style, the Alpha is the familiar, highly visible prototype. She’s the MD who manages a clinic like a well-oiled machine, or the self-confident Web editor who envisions herself running the company with her combination of tech skills and business savvy. She’s the chic, assertive saleswoman who convinces you to buy an outfit you aren’t sure you actually need. As I’ve studied and discovered that  Beta sisters sometimes feel diminished or threatened by the Alpha prototype—but there is really no cause for this. I am not talking about good, bad, or better people. I am saying that all Alphas and Betas—in other words, all of us—are on a personality continuum, and most of us are a mix, with greater or lesser degrees of both.

Betas have less of a need for control, and they may have less interest in a leadership position than an Alpha would. In a group of women, the Alpha is the one who exerts power and influence through her ability to take charge of the conversation, while the Beta will tend to listen and support. In the extremes of both, an Alpha may be too confrontational; a Beta may be too passive. Fortunately, people are malleable, and you can modify some of your behavior for a better balance.

Can you be an Alpha if you’re not a big earner or powerful out in the working world? Of course! Lily, a physician and a mother of two, works between fifteen and twenty hours a week to her husband’s seventy hours plus. She puts it this way: “I’m an Alpha in disguise. I

don’t wear my Alpha on my sleeve.” Like Lily, many strong Betas carve out a niche for themselves

within a relationship; they may control the finances or decisions about the children, for example. “I’m a little afraid of direct confrontation,” Lily says. “I will tend to avoid it. I look like I’m easy going and amenable and I don’t always show my forceful side, but I do like to get my way.”

Alpha? Beta? It isn’t always either/or, and Alpha is not better than Beta. Far more important is the degree of each that you have in your personality where you’ll plot your profile on the Alpha/Beta spectrum. You may be a Beta, with anywhere from a handful to a big helping of Alpha, or an Alpha with strong to middling Beta tendencies, or an extreme Alpha, with practically no Beta at all. You may be pretty much a hybrid, with equal amounts of both. I’m betting that you’ve got some Alpha no matter who you are. Funny, strong, independent, and comfortable in her own skin, the Alpha believes in herself—but has some blind spots. She assumes that as an Alpha female she should be partnered with an Alpha male. But clinical experience has shown me that this partnership is at the greatest risk for divorce because two Alphas will tend to compete for power and dominance. I will show Alpha women how they can learn to envision and accept themselves as the Alpha in a relationship with